I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
