Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
