Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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