There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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