Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
