Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
After tacos, we're chasing women.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
