This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
