I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
