Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
