The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
