haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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