I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
