my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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