I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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