Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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