Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
