My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
