we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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