her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
