Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
