How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize