Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
