I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
