maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Oh god it's open bar.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
