I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
