Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
