Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
