corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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