If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
