nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
