So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
