someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
