9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
