Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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