That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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