You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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