it wasn't lemon gatorade
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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