i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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