i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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