He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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