THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
