I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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