I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
