Already got asked if we're dating
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
