If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
