i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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