im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize