grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
