I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
