the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
