Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
