I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
