I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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