I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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