She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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