I think i peed on brittanys purse
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
