totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
