So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
