he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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