This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
