If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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