How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize