My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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