Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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